When I started this little did I realize I would be writing her every night, it is like when you read your kids bed time stories and after you are done they know they have to go to bed. well that is how it is for me, I write her letter then I know it is time for bed. I will post on the blog the full 30 days of letters, you can also see them on Facebook on Always & Forever our Brianna
I hope you find these letters as a healing process as I do, for me our daughter is still here with us and keeping her up to date with how our days are going is very important, they say writing is very good when you are going through the grieving process.
Thank you everyone for all of the support you have given our family.
Mamma had a tough day today, I wish I could have gone back to last tuesday then maybe we could have done one thing different, then maybe I would not be writing this. Your sissy and her friends made more bracelets to hand out at the services, I got a picture this time, you will love it, if there are boys making bracelets for you that is pretty big, I will post that tomorrow for you. I am makeing some green ribbons for you as well. We had company today little hannah and her family and big Bree and her family, we talked around the table and laughed at all the silly things you did, it felt good to have such love around.
Daddy is still having a very difficult time, cannot sleep, pacing all over the place, so many things going on in his mind, can you please help him out a little? it is so hard to see him like this, it breaks my heart even more to see him bleeding the pain for you..
I can't believe you would have wanted all the pain and heartache for all of us, you were such a huge part of our life, you still are, but only in spirit, we want your whole body, your smile, your ups and downs, you sads your happys. I wish you would have reached out, life is to precious and you had so much going for you.
good night baby we all love you and i will see you in my dreams.
Hi Baby, well today I got up, with tears of course I decided I would share a couple of stories about you and it made me feel better. I also posted the video of you singing, OMG it made me laugh so hard just watching you, you loved singing, I could never understand what you were singing but I still listened :)
We went to see Grandma and Grandpa's today, I was getting a little worried about her and thought we would stop by, we talked about you and it just felt so empty not having you there. Our everyday stuff is awkward because you are not there, going in the car without you, waking up and I peek in your room and you are not there, but I still tell you good morning, checking in on you before I go to bed and not being able to say good night, but I still do, actually you were the one that came in and told me good night, and gave me a hug and a kiss, and I would always say "don't stay up to late"
I cannot stop thinking about you, I try and stay busy but it is just to hard, the pain I feel is the worst pain I will ever feel. I will not be able to see you start the school year, get your drivers license, graduate, first true love, first heartbreak, walk down the isle and the most important hug and kiss you.
Baby, Mamma is hurting so so bad and all I can think about is waking up and thinking of you all over again.
good night baby and I will see you in our dreams. Xoxo
Well today was a busy day for me, you know the days that you just have to get stuff done.... it was hard for me to be away from home, because I love being close to you. The drives are the worst for me, especially when I am alone, I sometimes just want to have the music loud and fly with mock speed. I am still having a hard time grasping that your body is not here for us to touch, or to see that smile that could blow everyone away.
I have had some people ask me how I can talk, think, breath? When they talk to me and we talk about you I am calm and glowing because I am so proud to be your Mom, I tell them it is a strength that you have given me, that you are holding my hand to help me through this harsh pain. I believe if we did not have the time in the hospital together then yes it would be a different story, I would be crying and not want to get out of bed, but we were able to hold you and talk to you and you helped us transition into the stage of not having you with us. I think that you know I have to be strong for Daddy and Sissy and when it is my time you will let me know. I still cry everyday when I wake up, in the middle of the day, at the end of the day. Just today Daddy and I had to go to the store and we had to get chips, I stopped myself in the sentence, but I was getting ready to ask him what chips should we get Brianna? I started crying in the store at that moment.
Uncle Juba came over and of course we talked about how beautiful you are and wondering why god took you from us. Uncle is going to do some great things with his music/band for you and the great cause that we are supporting. Don't worry baby we are here for you today, next week, next year Always & Forever Brianna, your voice will always be heard I promise.
Good night baby I love you and I will see you in our dreams.
Good morning Baby,
Sunday morning when I woke up I knew it was going to be a tough day. I could not imagine I was getting ready to go to my 12 yr daughters memorial services, it did not seem real, I wish we were getting ready for a family party or something. The morning seemed such a blur, I made myself get ready and the closer it got to leaving the heavier my heart felt. As your Daddy and I walked up to where the services were Daddy's legs started to buckle and he was not sure he would be able to walk any further. The place was beautiful it was outdoors the sun was shining and you could hear the birds singing. I wanted to make sure I was at the front so I could meet everyone coming to see you, I loved meeting your friends they were all here to say good-bye, but not good - bye forever, you will remain in everyones thoughts forever.
As Rev. Barrett spoke at times the leaves on the trees would flutter and we could feel you. I was so proud of your sister she got up and spoke and as she did a beautiful butterfly would circle around, I know you heard her talking, I was so proud of her.
We still cannot believe you are gone baby, we still wonder why you did this? we know you loved life to much and wanted to be here with us. If you knew the pain this family is in without you I know you would still be here, there are no words to say that could explain the pain we are in.
So many of your friends are ready to step up and be your voice when we begin our journey to continue to fight.
Baby I really do not know how to live my life without you, I know we will have to move on because you would want it that way, but you will still be in our hearts everyday, I will still continue to sleep with your blanket and I will continue to cry everyday, our hearts will always be broken. For now we have your room and that is where we go to to talk and to feel your presence, we will continue to put your friends letters on your walls and keep your door open for you.
Thank you for giving me the strength as I start your journey to speak out about teen suicide, we will be everywhere getting the word out, we will be in the streets, schools, and homes. There needs to be a stop to this and we must push hard to get our voices out there. Our children are our future.
I love you Baby and I will talk to you later.
Today was very blah and non-functional, I really had a hard time just doing the basic stuff. I am sorry that I have just been telling you all of the sad stuff and how sad I am but it is hard for me to try and get back to normal, whatever that is. I am afraid to feel happy, for right now there is no reason to be happy, you are gone, there is no reason to be happy. I know have to get back to work, thank goodness I dont have to answer to anyone but myself, remember when we were laying on the bed and you said " it feels so good to be out of school, I get to sleep in and do nothing all day" and then you said " I am going to marry someone rich so I don't have to work" I told you, "no you be like mamma and be your own boss do not work for the big guys" you laughed and said "ya you are right" we just had that talk too.
I promise I will live my life to the fullest and make each day as though it is my last, I promise I will love for that day and let everyone know how much they mean to me, I promise I will fight for you as long and as hard as it takes, even if it takes forever,
I promise to take care of your Daddy and Sissy and help them through this painful time,
I promise to love you always and forever.
Mommy loves you and I will see you in our dreams
another long day, I did ok most of the day, I had to get some work done so that helped me keep my mind on other things. I have decided that this will be the week that I really try and get things into perspective. I cannot believe the wonderful friends I have, they have basically been running both of my businesses, they just took charge with no questions asked. I believe that is the kind of people you have in your life, because you believed as I do and that is, to help others and ask nothing in return.
I also need to start working on your foundation, I hope to start that at the end of the week.
I still believe in my heart that you did not mean to do this, you were just to full of life, I think it was an accident, you thought you would just pass out and then we would find you and it would be ok, that is the thing that people so young need to understand, something like that is forever, it is permanent and you cannot reverse it. It hurts me though that your heart was hurting so much that you would even think about hurting yourself, we talked about a lot of stuff and I just wish you would have talked to me, I think you thought I saw signs and maybe got mad because I did not see them? but I did not see any that would alarm me. I am so sorry I was not there.
I love you always and forever..
I will see you in our dreams :)
When I woke up today, I felt something, it was not a movement or a thing it was something inside, I believe it was you, you were nudging me to keep going. Today was the second day in two weeks I actually put a little make-up on and did my hair, since the incident I just felt that was the last thing I wanted to do, all I have wanted to do it think about you and stay home and think about you more. But I think you were letting me know that I better get my butt in gear, I know you do not like seeing me like this.
You also gave me strength today to share your (our) story to make sure we create awareness to others, I made a promise to you baby and I am going to keep it. I wish you were here with me, I am sure I will have days when I will feel like I cannot do it anymore, but I know you will be by my side to keep me going. You should have seen your sister today you would be so proud of her, she loves you so so much and will fight with us. The support you (we) have gotten is amazing and your friends continue to step up to the plate and ask what they can do.
My tears are still flowing so heavy for you baby, and my soul is forever changed. I can still remember how your skin feels, so warm, I still sleep with the blanket from the hospital and one of your stuffed animals so I can smell you, I go into your room often just to feel close to you, I look at your video's and pictures all day, and am amazed by your absolute beauty inside and out.
I love you baby always & forever
I will see you in our dreams
July 19, 2010 Hi Baby,
Well I am going to try and get to bed early tonight. Your friend Brooke came over today, she was so sad, she just kept crying. Brianna you have so many people in pain, it is just not fair that you left us. I continue to get support from complete strangers ready to hop on our journey to get the word out and save other kids, it is so amazing.
Your Dad is so broken Brianna I can hardly bare it, it is almost like I am mourning you and your Dad, he is not the same person that is for sure, he barley knows how to function, he is getting by only on blurred vision. We tried to do something today, Daddy, Sissy and I went to the river, yah what a joke, it felt so empty, I hate that you are not here with us to share anything, it pisses me off actually, I know this is how it is going to be for a while. we are going to start going to a support group of parents that are going through the same thing, I feel like sometimes I am going to burst....
I know that we are not alone, I have been getting some wonderful people contacting me that they have/are going through what we are. I think that will help a lot.
Kayla tried going to work yesterday, she made it through her shift and that was it, she has decided to take a leave for a while, she just cannot do it, she is so lonely and hurt without you.
Harley hates being alone now, if we all leave the house you can hear him whining and barking, he is also affected by all of this.
It is time for me to go cry and snuggle with your blanket and stuffed animal.
I love you always & forever
I will see you in our dreams.
Pay it forward- do something good for someone else with nothing in return, that is how you live your life!!!. I challenge all these young girls and adults to go out and pay it forward then share what you did, it will make you feel so good. Do not be mean to other girls or people that is not the way to live your life. With Brianna's passing this should be a life changing event for everyone and I would hate to see you going back into the same direction, you MUST change. Do not hate because someone has something you don't- gravitate towards them so you can learn how they have it. Do not hate because some does not have what you have- show them the way. It is real simple, put yourself in that persons place when you said something bad, or made them feel little with your cruel words, would you really like someone to say that to you? better yet look in the mirror and say the cruel words and see what happens. People want to be around you more when you have good karma, you draw the good to you, why would you want to draw bad?
these are simple things to think about- remember pay it forward.
This will be kind of short I am tired and drained. Today was pretty Blah I just did what I had to do.
We did go to Uncle Dean's and Jill's and hung out for a while, then we went and grabbed a bite to eat.
The Rockies were playing so after the game we went on the roof to see the firecrackers, wow what a good show it was, of course I had tears, they had a firecracker that looked like a butterfly, I thought of you.
I think this time last year you went to the game with Hannah and her Mom, I remember you guys had a good time.
I spoke with a parent today who had a 18 yr old son who passed away Nov 16 2009, his son did not committ suicide but was playing the choking game and it went to far, there was no note, just like you there was no note, I wonder if you have played this game with your friends and thought you would be ok? I want to make sure we also talk to the kids about this, if they are doing this they will end up taking it to far like you did. I am going to look into this more and see what I can find out.
I also have got some support from some people to start our mission, Your new foundation will be "The BRI Foundation" Bringing Reassurance Into teens
isnt that wonderful? I love it, this gal Heather thought of it and the more I thought of it the more I knew that is what we would call your foundation. We are meeting next week to get the ball rolling.
I love you Baby always & forever
I will see you in our dreams xoxo
Today was a little bit better, I finally took off our hospital wrist band after having it on for 18 days.
Well I have noticed you have been around, since your service when the butterfly came out, we have just figured that was a sign from you letting us know you were here with us. Then friday night when we were at uncle Dean's there were fireworks and there was a butterfly shaped firework, we went with grandma and grandpa to Lannies clocktower cabaret and we had some snacks and the cracker was shaped like a butterfly. I know it sounds dumb but for us it makes us feel good that you are around.
I had lunch with some old friends today and they helped me through some things, Daddy is having such a hard time and I have been trying to figure out how I can help him, so they kind of shed some light, we are going to be strong through this baby and we will stay a family I promise, 21 yrs with your Daddy, nothing can split us up, we have always been a strong family and always will, and we will always be a family of four. We have not really had a dinner yet at the table, things are still kind of crazy, I don't know if I am ready for that yet, but I promise when we set the table we will still put your plate on the table.
I promise you this nobody will ever forget about you, we will continue to speak about you everyday, it seems like sometimes when bad stuff happens people do something about it for a while then it just fades out, well you know me better then that huh? people will know Brianna Canacari and what you are about and how you are helping others, I will make sure of that.
We already have our first holiday and I do not think we are going to celebrate it, not ready.
well it is late and Mommy is tired, I will talk with you again tomorrow.
Love you Baby always & forever
I will see you in our dreams xoxo
Well we did not do much today just kind of hung out, Kayla and I had to go therapy shopping today, she did buy some really cool nail polish for the both of you that had all the colors you like, I think Sissy is going to paint them like you had them but she is going to use red, yellow and black stripes, but don't tell her this I don't think she will do as good as job as you.
Erika our neighbor came over today, it was nice talking to her and she told me some stories about you and just how special you are. We are going to work on some cool stuff for you honey.
I am going to try and do a little work tomorrow, maybe go to the studio for a bit, I know I have to get things going again. I cannot believe I have made it 19 days without you, well really 15 because I got to hold you in the hospital for four days and I knew you were still with us fighting. I am still trying to figure out how I am suppose to make it a lifetime without you? my tears still flow daily for you I my heart of course is forever broken, I wish I could just stay in bed for a couple of weeks but I know that will not help us and what we are fighting for. I just want to make you proud of me honey, as I told Erika today I have some big shoes to fill and those shoes are yours.
Baby it is that time again and we made it another day.
Mommy loves you always & forever
I will see you in our dreams.....
I hope people read these little notes I send you and hope it finds them a little peace as it does for me.
Today was a little better, I did go to the studio for a bit, I am so glad I have that as an outlet, when I first got there I was anxious to get home to you, but after I was there for a while it felt normal, for just a little bit I just felt like a normal person, I was working then I would come home and you would be there, then I got home and felt abnormal again... but my friend Rachel came to see me at the studio and we talked about you and other stuff, I love when I am around friends and family it helps.
I also had another friend come by the house Adrianna she is a wonderful young women and we talked for a while, she brought us dinner.
Kayla was sad today, she cried and just hated that you did this, she is upset because this is tearing this family up and we are just trying to figure out how to deal with all of this, she misses you so so much baby and she hates not having her little sister around to take her clothes and makeup, she wants you back so bad. I just want you to know how many people you have hurt and that hurt will go on for a long long time.
it is past my bed time and I am ready to dream about you..
Mommy loves you Baby always & forever
I will see you in our dreams. Xoxo
It was kind of a fast and busy day today, I have yet to just lay in bed all day, I think I will try that one day next week (lol) I spent half of my day working for you and getting things figured out, then I went to the studio for one of my meetings, it was great to see the whole gang. The people in my life are so amazing, and that is because I attract great people and that is how you are baby, you have some great people in your life and it is because you attract great people, you are like me in so many ways.
Daddy broke my laptop, well it still works but he stepped on it now I have a big blob on the top of the screen and I know it is going to start spreading, ugh I guess I will just have to wait until it gets so bad and that I can't see anymore, then I dont know what I will do? I will have to use your computer for a bit, thats ok I like being in your room.
Uncle Tony is coming to visit and he is bringing big Harley, I know you would have been so exicited to see him, remember last year when big Harley was here and he was pouncing by Tacos cage and just staring at her? that was so funny it was like he was hunting, such a big dog but such a big sweetheart.
I talked to your friend Jessica ( Sorry I know I am not spelling it right) she misses you so much and wishes she could have been there, I don't want her to blame herself, none of us should blame ourselves, I just still think about what you were thinking at that moment and why you felt you had to do this? I can't believe you could mask things that well and cover whatever pain you were in? I wonder if you felt you were making a mistake and tried to come back? I think you wanted to take it back and not do it, sorry I am rambling I know, but it will always be in the back of my mind of WHY, and that will never go away.
Until tomorrow for now I will say good-night and I Love you Always & Forever
I will see you in our dreams. Xoxo
This is something I found that Kayla wrote to you in the hospital....
Baby girl! You are doing so good today:] you are starting to take breaths on your own! and might I say..they are pretty big ones. Whenever you do things they are always big! You are just such a tiny thing with such big hopes and dreams. I love that i get to see you every day and be with you:] I rubbed some of your favorite smelling lotion on:] you smell like an angel! Not like you didn't already;] and they washed your hair today. All of the nurses love how colorful your hair is. And you nails! You will not believe how many people commented on that. They love it! And they cannot believe you did it yourself! They look so good:] you should see all of the presents that you've gotten! I’m pretty jealous! They are all so cute. But your favorite one is going to be from me of course! ;] it's a bracelet that says "inhale,exhale, repeat". But you will see that when you wake up! I think I’m going to read to you tonight! Maybe some yo momma jokes that I found in your room. And maybe some twilight! I know you said that you are "so over it" but I know that deep inside you are obsessed! I will write to you every day on this okay baby? I love youuu! So much!!! And don't worry. I will keep putting on that lotion because it reminds you of me. I know it does! I love you sweet pea. xoxo
well what a day indeed, first off I know exactly how you feel about some people in this world it really makes you wonder huh? Some ignorant asshole decided to use us, a family who just lost their child to make themselves feel better, and the sad thing is I think I may know who she is, of course they are not in my life anymore for reasons you can see, I make sure all the postive comes to me and the the negative in the trash where it belongs. To bad more people are not like you, you just said what had to be said, there was no hiding behind doors you let your voice be hear and it didn't matter if people liked it or not. Ok enough of the dumb ass who has no guts.
Finally got around to getting your Foundation registered now just need to work on the site, I hope that can be up in the next week or so?
Uncle Tony and Big Harley are here, I know how much you love that dog. It was so funny Kayla and I took the dogs for a walk, little did Kayla know she would also need to pick up Big Harley's poop, we should have brought a trash bag to pick it up, well it was funny and I know you would have been cracking up. We are so glad to have Uncle Tony here I think it is going to help your Daddy alot.
You will not believe what Kayla did? she recorded herself singing the evanescence just like you did, I am going to see if we can get them blended side by side.
I wanted to post something I think you wrote, it just sounded so like you and I know this was only about a couple of weeks before your incident.
The best of life will over come you. You will think it's all just perfect, then it goes all down hill.
Don't ever think that. It will all be good, if you really want it to be.
I've had my emo like days. Yes indeed. I still dress like it? Duh!
Don't mess it up.
Live life to the fullest,
Remember, we only have one.
So have hella fun!
Don't be scared to get down and dirty,
Because life ain't clean (:
My life is like oohhh ahhh,
because I make it like that,
never be fake,
never be anyone else, but you!
(: I'm only me, yess, we have went through this. More coming as well.
Ha. NEVER FORGET, NEVER GIVE UP!
I love you Baby always & forever
I will see you in our dreams, I can't wait because tonight I really need to see you.
Today I had our gathering to talk about how we can spread awareness to our kids and the parents. We have a good start and will now start working on getting the word out. I know you will be helping me a long the way.
I just want you to know that I will make you proud. nobody will ever forget you.
I can't help but think what we would be doing? it is summer time and you would be going to Water World, maybe some camping and hanging out with your friends. Baby you are only 12 yrs old, the only thing you should be thinking of is playing and having a good time. You loved life so much I don't care what your friends say, you were a happy kid and that was seen in your smile. I think there is just so much pressure put on you kids at school that nobody really pays attention anymore, well we are going to change that you just watch. People see you on the outside and see someone but they do not realize that you are just a kid, and I wish they would have seen that, that is what I always saw was a kid and that is why I still call you Baby, just because you were changing on the outside does not mean you were on the inside, I think at times you just wanted to be 12.
Lakai is getting curious about big Harley, he wants to play but Harley scares him a little, I know if Harley stayed out here longer they would become the best of friends..
Mommy is tired and ready to see you in our dreams
I love you always and forever xoxo
As much as I try I just cannot get my day to be even close to being normal, all I want to do is to be able to go out like I use to. Kayla and I ran a couple of errands today but of course we talked about you, we are always talking about you. I am trying to get myself back to working, I talk a big talk but just can't do it. I know our life will never be normal and it hurts so much not having you here with us, I know you did not want to do this and tried to stop, you are just 12 and 12 yr olds just don't know what they are doing. We just miss you so much and our heart will be forever broken.
I had a friend stop by today her name is Cori, we sat and talked about you and how wonderful you are, you are going to move mountains baby I just know it, my calling in life now is to speak for you, I do not care where I do it, we will be in schools, communities, everywhere, we will create awareness to all!!!!!
You are going to be so proud of Harley, we took him to the dog park today, big Harley was playing in the water and little Harley was starting to get jealous. Well we came to a point where we could cross the creek, so Uncle Tony, Daddy, and Sissy went across well Harley thought about it but still would not take the leap, finally Kayla talked me into going across, it took less than 5 min and guess what? yes Harley went across the creek we were so proud and I know you are proud...you would think with all the showers you gave him he would like water? but not our Harley. I am going to work with him to get him to start going in the creek like all the other dogs.
I love you so much and miss you always and forever.
sweet dreams and I will see you in our dreams
Sorry I am writing this late, Kayla and I just got back from seeing Despicable me. It was so good, we needed just a moment to laugh, and I think if people would just see this movie they would see that it just is not worth being mean, and that if you are a kids and things do not seem right at that moment if you just take a breath they will be better the next day. I wish you would have seen this movie, it is about being a kid being 12 and laughing, life is to short.
Ok so today was, well I do not know what it was? I was kind of in a FUNK, not really knowing anything. Your Daddy left with Uncle Tony today to go camping for a bit, I think it is going to be very good for your Daddy, he is still really messed up and can't seem to function. I went with Renee today and she helped me get some work done, I am way behind, on the way there I screamed as loud as I could and yes I was angry at you, I screamed how could a 12 yr old do this? and why? you are to strong and to do something that stupid, yes I am mad and it is ok to be mad, we are allowed to be mad, kids need to understand that when they do things like this there are no do overs, that is it you are done, there is no calling out, there is no stopping it, it is just done, I hope kids realize that no matter what they are going through nothing is worth their life!!!!!
So yes I had a very bad day and cried and then thought of you and then felt better and then thought that I cannot hold you and then cried again, this emotional rollercoaster is not the way to live, and if you saw what your friends were going through, they do not understand (well neither do we and we are adults) Today I had to take many deep breaths.
Kayla will be camping with grandma and grandpa on monday, she packed some of your clothes, your pictures and a stuffed animal, she asked me if she could take some of your ashes and spread them over the mountain, I said yes of course Brianna would love that, you guys have been going camping with grandma and grandpa for a long time, and there are some very happy memories there. Kayla loves you so much and is constantly thinking of you. She made a bracelet and necklace for us, it has a puzzle piece that each of us have, each puzzle piece represents us as a family, you will always be part of the puzzle that holds us together.
I love you baby Always and Forever
time for bed so I can see you in our dreams....
Well today was mixed emotions, my cousin Derek and his family came in from North Carolina and the whole family got together, I got a little overwhelmed and of course teared up, on one hand it is always great to see family but on the other you should have been there playing with all the other kids.
I know you were more mature than other 12 yr olds but inside you are still a kid, I am still trying to understand all of this, I know I won’t but maybe after I talk to other parents and other kids that have tried I can understand just a little. I want to help other kids, I do not know how yet, but with your help I know we can make a big impact on these kids. Your voice is going to be strong and heard all over. I cannot believe the support our family has gotten and how many people you have affected, I got an email from someone in Australia, I know how much you wanted to go there, that is the thing you are so full of life and really wanted it all, and I know you would have had it all. I wish people knew you the way we did. You always knew when Daddy wasn’t feeling good and if something was bothering me you would always ask, you were so in tune with people and knew when they needed a hug.
I do not know if you had things building up? Or if it were the awful rumors that were spread, or just being a kid? Being a kid is tough there is so much pressure put on kids today and of course kids are just mean. Remember I always would say “do not go to bed mad, because you never know what could happen” when I would say that of course I meant something could happen to Daddy or me, there are so many crazy people on the roads today, never in a million years would I think it would be any of my kids. It is to bad that some kids took that road with you, in a way they went to bed mad and now are unable to say sorry, or did not reach out to an adult to let us know you were having problems. We must take everything serious; I would rather lose a friendship than to lose a friend in death…
I am sorry Baby I am sure I am babbling, but I just have so much to say and do, I feel helpless right now and all I want to do is hold you. Just after school got out you told me you were ready to move I was so happy to hear that, that meant that you were ready to start over, whatever you were going through you knew it was time to get away from it, you had your whole summer to have fun and then be ready to start a new school, I know you hated the drama, why did you do this?
I love you always and forever Baby
I will see you in our dreams
Was on this day that your were born
A ray of sunshine that I adorned
From heaven above you were sent to us
Hand crafted and unique, one of a kind you were made
With big brown eyes and a gorgeous smile
Why couldn't you stay longer than a while
An aura you had that shown like a star
I search and look in the night sky you are
As quickly as you arrived
You had suddenly departed
Not right, not fair
For your life had only just started
So today a wish I make for you
One of love and happiness
You'll always be in my heart and soul
Beautiful as a butterfly
Your spirit set free
Wishing I could be near you
To hold you close to me
This was a poem a Father wrote who lost his beautiful daughter at the age of 15 in 2007.
Mommy would like to share this with you Brianna.
I love you always and forever
Today was a tough day, all days are tough but today I have been alone, and I don't mind, but I do not know how many times I came in your room and just sat, I even moved it around a little, ya I know, how many times have I done that before? but I think I rubbed off on you, you were always moving it :)
I am going to a support group thursday, I think that will help a little? at least I hope so.
I am just afraid that I won't be able to move on, I know that I will always think about you and you will always be with me, but really for the most part I just fake it, just to get through the day, I am pretending and just going through the motions of the day. My whole being is changed, and I will never be the same, (just like most people)
I have such a HUGE journey and a lot on my shoulders, we are trying to change the world if you think about it. Our schools are letting our children down, they are not talking about all these important things, really who really cares about history or math, what about teaching our kids what will happen in the real world? The schools ignore everything that is going on, they see what kids are doing to eachother and what do they do? NOTHING. Then there are the parents who do not want to see that this is a HUGE problem, there should be 0% of our children committing suicide!!!!!! PERIOD!!!!
I am not pointing any fingers that is not what this is about, when you point fingers nothing gets done... People just need to open their Damn eyes and everyone needs to be accountable for their actions, I have always told you and Kayla that, it is a simple concept that nobody can seem to grasp.
I am sorry I am babbling I am just so Pissed!!!! I am so upset with you that you felt this was an avenue you could take, it is not an option!!!!! no matter what happens in life death is not the answer.
I hate not being able to hold you and to talk to you, I miss you running in my room and showing me your new make-up creation. I just miss you so much and would do anything to have you back.
I love you always and forever Baby.
I will see you in our dreams.
What a day, I went to work for a little, it felt good to get out and be semi-normal. Daddy and I ran a couple of errands as well, we went out to lunch and talked about you the whole time, just like when you and Kayla were infants and Daddy and I would have a date night, we would talk about you guys the whole time. Baby I am trying to move on I really am but even writing this to you I have tears running down my face, the pain is so unbearable at times. Even when I am busy you are still in the back of my mind. I hate pretending, I keep waiting for you to come through the door and say “hey MUM” and then I would hold you and ask how your day was. I am so glad your Daddy is getting stronger now I can go to him, he will take care of us like he always has.
Your B.R.I bracelets came in today (finally) they are perfect and we are going to wear them with pride. I also talked to a gal from Safe 2 Tell today she is touched by our story, she shared with me that her 15 yr. old son tried to take his life in Feb; they were very lucky and got to him in time…
You kids need to know that you cannot mess with the oxygen in your brain; you have no control even if you think you do, that is why these STUPID choking games need to stop!!!!!
When Uncle Tony spoke at your services he said “we have to move on and be happy, we must live our days to the best of our ability” I am really trying and I know you would want all of us to, I just want you to know that there is not a moment that goes by where we do not think about you, and that is how it will be Always & Forever I promise, you are a magnet and we are all just drawn to you no matter what, even if we do not try and think of you it just happens because you have that magnitude about you.
I love you so much Baby and I am so proud to be your Mom, you are an amazing girl and if I can be just a little of what you are then I am a better person for being like you.
Mommy loves you always & forever
I will see you in our dreams
Wow what a day, I did not think today would be so hard, I thought that as the days went by they would get a tiny bit easier, but I guess the 15th and the 16th will always be hard, well at least for me, today is the day I wish we could go back to in June, not sure what it would change? But I will always feel this way. I tried to work today but of course that did not work out to well, I have deadlines I have to meet, other people depending on me, and then I have this HUGE hole in my heart that will never be repaired, yes I know you told me to get my butt in gear and start doing what I need to do, you know how much I love what I do, but it is so hard to just jump in, so today I had to take many deep breaths. I had to go somewhere so of course I had to let some steam out and drove and screamed to the top of my lungs, for some reason that feels good, I am trying to direct all of my energy into a positive factor, and sometimes I just need to let voice take over.
I have been told that I inspire people with your story, and that they feel better after they talk to me, I am not sure what to think about that, all I know is... I want to help people just like you, and it is easy to do because I am talking about YOU! You inspire me to go on and do great things, as I told someone tonight you are here but you are just using my body, your thoughts, your soul and your heart are all still here.
This is what some kids need to understand, yes the VOICE can be very powerful and make huge changes if used in the right way, we choose to use our voice in a POSITIVE way and that is how we are able to accomplish so much more in life. Then you have kids, and even adults who choose to use their voice in a NEGATIVE way, those are the ones who get nowhere and fail in our society, (yes that is harsh to say, but it is the truth) all they do is think about themselves and what they can do to make themselves feel better and it is always at the expense of others, and I am afraid to think that you could have been the EXPENSE of another trying to make themselves feel better!!!!!! The huge heart you have does not know color, race, gender, etc.. It only knows one thing, we are all the same, we are humans with feelings and thoughts.. Hmmm here is an idea, I wonder how a person would feel if they looked in the mirror and said these awful things they would tell someone else; let’s see how they would feel? If it makes them feel bad they should imagine it making the other person feel 10 times worse….. Can you tell I am pissed off right now!!!! Ok enough about that (for now anyway) I am not done with that by any means, I am just getting started….
Ok so we pick sissy up tomorrow, she has been camping with Grandma since Monday, we are so ready to have her back and miss her a lot, we have to pick her up half way so we will be going to Laramie, not to bad of a drive I guess, she wanted to come home they are staying until Sunday, I am glad she wanted to come home… I have cleaned both of your rooms so they are ready..
Daddy and I went to our first Support group meeting tonight, I am glad we went it helped a lot and we look forward to going to more, I find myself inspired to start our own group to help others so we will see how that turns out? Not sure how I will go about doing that, I also want to start a group for the kids, really there is nowhere for them to go to talk about all of this, they are confused and trying to make sense of this just like us, I first going to see if there is anything out there first, but we have told the kids from the beginning our doors are always open, just like your room, the door is always open, the music is always on and the candle is always lit, well not always I blow it out when I tell you goodnight and light it in the morning when I tell you Good morning
OMG I am getting so excited for The Donor Dash, I hope we have good weather? And I will be looking for you, that little butterfly just fluttering around.
Oh Baby I miss you so and our hearts are heavy and empty, there are no words to describe it. You have touched so many hearts and I know you will continue, but I just wish you were by my side helping.
Mommy loves you Always & Forever
I will see you in our dreams
July 16th 2010
The day that should have never happened.
I cannot believe I have not been able to hold, kiss, see or touch you for 30 days. I was pretty much worthless today, I really could not do anything, we went and picked sissy up in Wyoming so we were in the car most of the day, all I could do was think of you, I would close my eyes and I saw everything all over again, I looked at the clock and remember what was going on at that moment, what I was feeling, and hoping you would come out of this terrible tragedy!
I know I have to start moving on and getting on with my life, and each day I say to myself “this is the day” but your emotions take over and you simply go numb, you really have no control over it. I know that I want to help other children and volunteer to the Children’s Hospital, I know that is really going to help, I hope to start doing that in the next month.
Well we got a letter today and today of all days, of who you saved, so here we go, as I write this the tears are flowing and my heart is heavy.
Your liver saved a 59 yr old women, she has four children and a single Mom, she suffered from chronic liver failure, and she can now have the chance of life to spend with her kids. She is doing well after her surgery.
You also save a 62 yr old women with your right kidney; she has been ill for several years and has been waiting since 2007 for this precious gift. She is doing well after the transplant.
Your left kidney saved a 60 yr. old man also with type 1 Diabetes he is married and has two children, he also has been waiting since 2007 for this precious gift.
All three live in Colorado, I will start the process of writing them; I will send them a picture and write about you and tell them what a wonderful person you are.
I continue to listen to you so I can continue on this path and fight for other kids to help them; I love hearing the stories about you and cannot wait to meet more of your friends.
We miss you so much baby and I still wait for you to walk through the door.
Mommy loves you always and forever
I will see you in our dreams
Today was a day of mixed emotions, I awoke with a new feeling, it was my birthday and I am now another year older, this morning was different than all the others, it is TIME, it is time for me to get things going, If we are going to have success with your mission I need to get my shit straight, I have clients that are past due, work that needs to be done and a life to continue living. I am finally starting to come to terms that you are gone, I hate it and I have been fighting it everyday and I can no longer let that consume me, I will never have the answer and I will never have you back, from here on out I will celebrate your life each and every day, enjoy all the good memories we had and hold on to those, If I continue trying to FIX it, I will be going down a path I will not be able to get back from. So my promise to you, is to get back to the Babs that everyone knows, the Babs that always has a smile, the Babs that makes people feel good. I love life and all that it brings, I love being your Mommy, I and I do love my life.
I will no longer ask you WHY or wonder if I could have done something different, I am a great Mom and you have a great life, and this just happened. So lets get this journey going and lets make it as BIG as we can get it, your life is worth to much and way to precious not to TALK..
So on that note, it was a pretty good day, Uncle Dean had us over to his house and he cooked for us, LOVE Uncles food, we had Melody, Alena, Aunt Becky, Grandma Gallardo and Grandma and Grandpa Gallardo, it was nice having my parents in the same room, and of course Daddy, Sissy and Christopher.
We talked about you, and I knew you were there with us. I got lots of birthday wishes here on FB, Brianna you have some amazing friends, but of course you do Amazing attracts Amazing (law of attraction it is very simple) I just wish I would have gotten to know them when you were here, they have just been so kind and willing to do whatever they can for you, I look forward to building some new friendships.
I am looking forward to the donor dash tomorrow, I made some button pictures for you, I did not have time to get t-shirts I will continue working on that.
Your Daddy is silly and so cute, he wears one of your BRI bracelets on each hand and said if they would fit around his feet he would wear them on his ankles too he also always wears his ribbon. Yip you are with us everyday, every hour, every minute….
It is late and I still have to finish your picture pins for tomorrow and I have to get up early (yikes)
I love you Baby always & forever
Thank you for taking care of us,
I will see you in our dreams
July 18, 2010
Well the Donor Dash was today, I ended up going alone, as I was walking up to the park I felt heavy on my heart and I took in some deep breaths, as I was walking up I was wishing I was just doing this for a friend, you know to show support, then as I go closer and saw all the balloons and then the memorial garden I remembered I was doing this for you, my beautiful daughter, I met up with Morgan and Ryan they are actually one of my clients and I was so thrilled that they came to support you and us, I know this will be one of many years they will run. I started to feel a little lonely (your dad and Kayla just were not ready for this yet) but then I heard my name and it was the Deaguero family, I had someone to walk with and we talked and talked it was wonderful. Thank you to everyone who came to walk or run for Brianna. I will ad some pictures tomorrow.
Next year will be different I promise, we will have more time and it will be big, my goal is to have 300 people on the B.R.I Team, it will be a great celebration of the life you gave to others.
So I need a favor, I have had so much strength from you, but I need you to give some of that to your Daddy and take care of him for a while, Baby he is just so broken and I know I keep telling you, but he is just not able to cope with this very well, he had some good days last week and I was thankful for that, but it only takes a blink of an eye for that to change, I just worry so much. So if you could just give him a sign I know he will be able to feel it, as I am writing you he is sleeping in your bed, I think he was up all night last night or got very little sleep, but he has slept in your bed before and I think it makes him feel good, he can feel your presence, your warmth, your smile, that is why I go in your room and sit for a bit, I love to feel your presence, and your smell, it makes me feel good.
So I wonder about some things now, and question a lot, the whole part of our mission is to create awareness, why do kids not say anything to parents or adults if someone is “suicidal” or having thoughts? Why do people keep silent? I wonder if maybe someone came out that you had those feelings if you would still be here. I do not believe you had such strong thoughts and I never will no matter what anyone says, this was a mistake that got out of control. I am your Mommy and I know who Brianna is…. I PROMISE we will make this work Baby, we will make sure that kids are telling parents or teachers or better yet Safe 2 Tell, this is no reason why and family needs to go through what we are, this is no way to live and no way to remember our daughter…. So we have a plan and I will make sure that plan is executed and executed well, you are our strength, our light our everything.
WE WILL BREAK THE SILENCE!!!!
I love you Baby Always and Forever
I will see you in our dreams
July 19, 2010
This is another one of those dates that we will never forget, it is a date that no parent should have to face, it is a date that our beautiful baby left us and went to heaven, well in your words you became the earth, you are the flowers, the dirt, the sky, the birds and the butterflies, I like the way you think because every day you are always around, when I sit outside and I feel the soft breeze hit my face that is you blowing me a kiss, when I look at the sky and see the night stars I see you, the fluttering of the trees I see you, you are all over Baby. I am at a point where I am just going to celebrate your life and the time we had with you, I still have the “WHY” factor and today I was on your computer and found something, I really feel it was something that somebody said that really put you over the edge, I just wish you would have beat the shit out of them instead of taking this route, I am so sorry baby that you were so hurt, that is the problem these kids saw the outside of you and did not see that you are just a kid, just a 12 year old girl, I think you were treated older then you are and that put a lot of pressure on you, at home you were just our baby… and we treated you like a kid.
Ok so back to today, I kept busy most of the day, well at least I thought I was busy, but some of it was not the productive busy like I should be doing, but just stuff to keep my brain going. Poor Daddy is so exhausted he just slept most of the day, which is a good thing though; he has not slept well in 30 days. Sissy is doing ok I think she is just trying to get through this the best way she knows how, I am sure she misses having to lock her closet door so no make-up or clothes would be missing (hint) not that you ever took any clothes lol
So some other big dates that are coming up, 1st day of school, Mommy will be there with a big smile and being so proud to be your Momma, not sure what I will do? I would love to speak, but we will see how that goes.
October 3rd the most important day ever, the day that you came into this world, I want to do something big, you will be 13 WOW. I am thinking a candle celebration with lots of balloons and lot of kids and families. You have me pretty busy, but that is ok because that is where I feel the happiest, working hard for you baby.
Tomorrow will be my first public appearance as the B.R.I Foundation, I will be at a networking event Douglas County Divas talking about you baby and creating awareness, that is how we start, by getting your story and your mission out to the public, I will do whatever it takes, whatever you need me to do I will do no questions asked.
I also will get to meet a great girl Alisha, you do not know her but she knows you, well since this all started she started following you on FB and she just loves you, it is amazing how you touch people, I love it, so I will tell you more about her tomorrow, I do know that she is also determined to get the word out.
Well Baby Mommy is tired and I better be getting to bed soon, I have to get up early, it is going to be a very full day, I will have a lot to tell you tomorrow that is for sure, well I guess I always do.
I love you Baby always & forever
I will see you in our dreams, although I miss when you would come tell me good night give me a hug and kiss, I look for that in our dreams and can feel you holding me.
I just miss you so so much and I hate that you are not here.